I listened to a podcast this week by Lynsey Le Keux about her journey to where she is now and the struggles she’s faced with fertility. Listening to the podcast I cried, laughed and really contemplated how the ability to have children is taken for granted. For anyone wanting to listen to the podcast, you can here: View in iTunes
Fertility, is it a taboo subject?
So obviously I couldn’t let this topic go by without sharing some thoughts.
You have no idea if the women, or man, next to you in the supermarket or at work has been affected by not being able to have their own children. It’s almost a silent issue that no one wants to talk about. It’s a basic human function isn’t it? For many it isn’t.
According to the NHS:
Around 1 in 7 couples may have difficulty conceiving. This is approximately 3.5 million people in the UK.
About 84% of couples will conceive naturally within a year if they have regular unprotected sex (every 2 or 3 days).
For couples who’ve been trying to conceive for more than 3 years without success, the likelihood of getting pregnant naturally within the next year is 25% or less.
This is staggering.
I guess it’s like a lot of subjects that people aren’t sure how to talk to people who are going through the process of trying to conceive or fertility treatment. I myself haven’t so I’m not claiming to have all the knowledge, I just have great empathy. There are so many people out there who desperately want to have children. Some do without a lot of trouble, some it takes time and a lot of effort, some it takes an incredible amount of investment physically, mentally and financially and some give up. Along the way many face extreme upset and loss. It’s incredible how lots of these people even make it out the other side.
I can be very cynical. Lots of my friends have children. Some have had smooth experiences, some not so much. All of them have beautiful children and wouldn’t change them for the world. That is a magical thing.
I’ve seen the stats briefly and always thought to myself “I’ll definitely be one of those who has problems.” I should be more positive, I know. But sometimes its hard to think positive when there are so many bad things going on around you.
“Why haven’t you had children yet?”
Oh god. I’ve had this question so many times. I’ve also seen the response on people’s faces when you don’t have a real response. One common thing I use in my blog posts is my age. I certainly don’t feel 31 but sometimes I feel the pressure. Just because I’m over 30 does not mean I should have a house full of children. I’m also quite stubborn. I’m not about to force myself to do something just because society and some people think you should.
From my late teens I was obsessed with not having any kids. I always used to say “Not now but maybe when I’m older.” It was my default response. I felt there were things I wanted to do before I had children. That excuse was ok when I was in my early, mid and only so much in my late 20’s. They all seem to have shot by so fast. Maybe this is why I have a group of friends who are in their mid 20s. I feel the pressure is relieved. Not that I’m saying my friends who are my age put any pressure on me but the topic does come up. It also can feel strange to be that friend who doesn’t have kids YET. It’s the yet word that is one of the most annoying. YET… sorry am I supposed to just click my fingers and get pregnant. I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that.
So many people don’t realise that some of their attitudes can feel rather patronising. You have got no idea whether I’m struggling with any medical issues that I’m too private to share, you also don’t know whether I’m going through any other issues that may affect whether I have children. Not everyone discusses things like this.
You’re probably thinking if I’m not up for sharing things then why write blog posts. I only do posts to try and provoke thoughts and possibly feelings. I’m not proclaiming that I know all the answers. I’m just asking that when you are with a friend who doesn’t have children, maybe there is a reason why that they don’t want to share. Maybe they are trying but don’t want the failures they have experienced made public, maybe they have tried and given up and now have to come to terms with something so big that it tears them apart, maybe they don’t want children (this is also an option – not everyone wants children) and there are many other situations they could be in.
The topic may be a sensitive one. The best thing you can do is be there for your friends. If they want to share and feel like they have the support around them where they feel comfortable to share then that’s great, if not be there as a silent comfort, not a judgement. There’s enough of that elsewhere.
Because of her experience, Lynsey is now raising money to help couples who have exhausted their chances of IVF through the NHS. If you’ve got a spare bit of cash this is more than a worthy cause. I’ve donated!
https://www.gofundme.com/keuxties-family-fund
XOXOXOXO